The Virtual Repairman's Appliance Help

[Virtual Repairman]

From time to time, I like to ponder the world around me and why we are in the shape we are in these days. Below are excerpts from some of the best material I have come across that made me think, laugh or just enjoy. I'll share them with you...


Health Care Bill... huh??

We're trying to pass (force) a health care plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that is exempt from it, to be signed by a president that hasn't read it and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, all to be overseen by ...a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that is broke. Somebody stop us before it's too late.


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History repeats itself.

In the 1700’s what is now Haiti was called the “Jewel of the Caribbean ,” and supplied about 40% of the world’s sugar. In 1791 the government of France passed legislation to phase out slavery n its Caribbean colonies and grant the former Negro slaves itizenship. Rather than becoming citizens, Haiti ’s Negro population mass murdered all whites and Mulattoes who could not flee the Island in time. In 1804 only full blooded Negros remained and Haiti became the first Negro ruled nation. The Haitian revolution dominated America's debate over slavery. While both the north and the south agreed that slavery should be ended, southerners and a large percentage of northerners universally opposed having a large population of freed slaves living in their midst. The Haitian “Revolution” was fresh in every one’s mind.
Flash forward to 1915. The “Jewel of the Caribbean ” is now a desolate cesspool, that is exporting almost no sugar. The United States decides to “take up the white man’s burden” and send the US Marine Corps to rebuild Haiti ’s infrastructure and feed it’s starving population. The United States gave huge amounts of money to Haiti and over-saw the building of 1,000 miles of road, telephone lines, modernized its port, and helped Haiti to start exporting sugar once again. The US left in 1934 at the request of the then stabilized and very ungrateful Haitian government.
Haiti immediately sank straight back into total desolation strife. In 1973 the United State once again began playing a huge role in Haiti, giving the Island huge sums of money in handouts each year. In 1994 the Clinton administration once again sent the US military to Haiti to rebuild the Island ’s infrastructure. In 1995 the Peace Corps went to Haiti in large numbers to train the Haitians in job skills. The US government spent almost one Billion providing food and job training to the Haitians between 1995 and1999. So when Obama says that Haiti has our “full, unwavering, support,” they have already had our full support since 1915.

I wonder how long it’ll be before we’re asked to leave again.

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An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Feb 13, 2010

Keeping Austin Weird

After several years of running service calls in the Austin vicinity, I have developed a synopsis of each zone depicted by a Barbie Doll. I have already had some cheeky emails as a result of this, but hey...I call 'em like I see 'em. If you've never been to Austin, this might not have the same impact, but just the same, worth a look:

Austin Barbies

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Feb. 12, 2010

Barefoot in 'Bama

As a 10-year old child living in Montgomery Alabama, I recall the winter of 1965 had a week-long snow storm similar to the current situation in some parts of that state. What I remember most as a 5th-grader who walked the 1.2 miles to school every day was that on those freezing days with snow on the ground, the typical student walked to school all bundled up, mittens, cap etc. , but they were barefooted!!

You see, back then Alabama elementary schools were pretty lax and allowed students to attend class barefoot. I loved this, since my childhood days in Louisiana were spent barefoot as well, so my feet were tough as nails. But never in my wildest dreams would I see snow on the ground and half the kids were still barefoot...amazing. (and we weren't poor, either if that crossed your mind). Just a local habit I guess...

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Dec.29, 2009
'Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving

'Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika, the world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,
Tiger’s wife went investin’ – a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”

She’s not pouting, in fact she's of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year

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Nov 5, 2009-
Let me see if I understand all this...

If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.
If you cross the Iranian border illegally, you are detained indefinitely.
If you cross the afghan border illegally, you get shot.
If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally, you will be jailed.
If you cross the Chinese border illegally, you may never be heard from again.
If you cross the Mexican border illegally, you will be imprisoned and/or fined severely.
If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally, you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.
If you cross the Cuban border illegally, you will be thrown into political prison to rot.
If you cross the U.S. border illegally, you get:
· A job
· A drivers license
· A social security card
· Welfare
· Food stamps
· Credit cards
· Subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house
· Free education
· Free health care
· your kids get free lunches at school
· A lobbyist in Washington
· A supreme court to take up your cause
· a US congress to fight your battles and ACORN to get you a voters card so you can continue to vote for the Democratic Communist party.

I love MY COUNTRY, but this is interesting!!


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Nov. 21, 2009

MORE RANDOM THOUGHTS

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
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I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
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There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
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Sometimes when I watch a movie that I saw when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
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How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
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I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
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The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
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Was learning to write in cursive really necessary?
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I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
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How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
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I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.. Stay strong, brothers & sisters !
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MapQuest really needs to start directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
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Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
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Bad decisions make good stories.
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You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you've come to the conclusion that you just won't be doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
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Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
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I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
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I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
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I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
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It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
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I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
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I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
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Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
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I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay..

SMILE----it makes people wonder.......


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Time on your hands? If you're totally bored CLICK HERE . (Be sure the volume is down if you are at work!)

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Jan 10, 2010

Who was the first Mooslim?

Everyone knows the story of Abram. If you don't, then read Genesis chapters 12-22. God promised Abram his own country. The only problem was that Abram didn't have a son. He might not have cared about it much, but his wife, Sa'rai, knew that by God's law, her husband's earthly possessions would go to the head servant if there weren't no kids around. She got worried and forgot God's promise to her husband, and in a fit of desperation, she offered up her Egyptian servant, Hagar to, Abram. Hagar got jealous of Sa'rai after having sexual relations with Abram, as women are wont to do. Sa'rai saw this, and with Abram's blessing, she kicked the harlot out of the house. Turns out Hagar had a son. It is this son, and all of his descendants that are causing most of the problems in the world today. His name was Ishmael, and he was the first towel-head, or to use a politically correct term, A-rab. God told Hagar in Genesis 16:10-12, "And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him." Ishmael was to father powerful nations, but none of his descendants would be allowed to go to Heaven after they died. They were born bad.

The real treat came when Abram was 90-years old (a teenager in Biblical days). He circumcised himself with a sharp stone, which made his penis pure enough to get through to Sa'rai and produce a real son named Isaac. God told him he was to cut at the penises of every descendant born through Sa'rai if he wanted his family to be blessed on Earth and go to Heaven after they died. It would still have been mandatory for all of us today to cut off our penises if Paul didn't come along and tell us it was just an option.

Let's jump forward a few thousand years. The descendants of Ishmael are running around in the desert worshipping all kinds of gods. Satan saw that a large portion of them were worshipping the moon-god. Some were even worshipping the daughters of the moon-god, Al-lat, Al-uzza, and Manat. They were called "The Daughters of Allah." The moon-god was called "Allah." Old Lucifer got it into his big red head that he could unite all of these idol-worshipping towel-heads under Allah. He did this by appearing to a person that was already very upset that God wasn't going to let him go to heaven just because he was a descendent of Ishmael. That feller's name was Moohammad. Demons helped him write a book called, "the Ko-ran," which is basically an instruction manual on how to kill anyone who doesn't worship the moon. Now we have entire countries of God-hating moon-worshippers shooting everyone out of jealousy, just because God isn't going to let them go to Heaven. Why, it's even got so twisted up that nowadays, these Mooslims (moon worshippers) think that they are the ones going to Heaven and everyone else is going to Hell. It's a shame that none of them can read English. If they did, they could open up the Bible and find out that God had it out for them from day one. The only way for them to avoid Hell is to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. And it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon, because the minute you start running your mouth about Jesus being the Son of God, they shoot you dead.
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[Virtual Repairman]

December 26, 2009

Thoughts to ponder about our present situation as Americans-
I ran across the following video last week and was impressed by some of the documentation regarding the decline of our rights as free people and the global corporations which control the way the world's economy functions. See what you think after reviewing the video. I warn you, grab a bag of popcorn and your favorite tasty beverage because it is over 2 hours long. You can always stop the video when you like and leave the link (bookmark it to your desk) and when you return, it will pick up where it left off.

Video- The Fall of the Republic
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[Virtual Repairman]

Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader. As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al- Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
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[Virtual Repairman]

Life can be summarized with 4 bottles:



(I'm still on #3)
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[Virtual Repairman]

Here's how they would look if they were made in 2009:

Bonnie and Clyde-



Gone With the Wind-



The Treasure of the Sierra Madre-


The Wizard of Oz-

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[Virtual Repairman]

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! (Except that one where you're naked in church.)

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

It's only kinky the first time....

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British
The Chefs are Italian
The Mechanics are German
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German
The Chefs are British
The Mechanics are French
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

My short term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 2020 years..

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.

The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

When you work here you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Slim".

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you.. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.


I FOUND JESUS! ...He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.
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[Virtual Repairman]

My neighbor turned me onto this great product last week and I had to share it with my friends. It's called the Yankee Flipper and is a squirrel-proof bird feeder that provides endless entertainment for humans as well. It has a motorized perch that spins if something heavy, such as a squirrel or grackle, tries to land on it. I recommend them for anyone who loves to feed the birds and not the varmints.

Here is a video of how it works...

Yankee Flipper
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[Virtual Repairman]

Gotta love those zany Canadians and their sense of Bear humor:


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[Virtual Repairman]

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[Virtual Repairman]

From a local housewife-

"Dear Tide-
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse as well! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, I have to write to the Hefty Bag people next."
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[Virtual Repairman]

I think the following video will clear up this ageless question quite quickly. I doubt these gents were fortunate enough to be wearing diapers.

SEE VIDEO





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[Virtual Repairman]

Far be it for yours truly to be the morbid type, let's just say I'm open-minded when it comes to the world around me. This includes how many folks got sick and where. I found it interesting to note that one of the sicknesses most reported was Vibriosis, a form of toxin that is produced by tainted seafood...mainly from eating raw oysters. You guys in Florida better cook those things for awhile till the infection passes. For a look at who's got what, see below:

Here's the Report
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[Virtual Repairman]

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[Virtual Repairman]

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[Virtual Repairman]

STFU



The Bridal Suite-
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said, ‘We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, ‘You want the ‘Bridal’?’

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nope, I reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears real gentle like, until she gets used to it"
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[Virtual Repairman]

Here's what happens when a dead whale is "removed" from the beach. Actually, this is a lesson on what not to do...a must see:

Exploding Whale Video
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[Virtual Repairman]

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[Virtual Repairman]

Let’s put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home….

This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks.
They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment , wheel chairs etc.
They’d receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.
Simple clothing , shoes, slippers, P.J.’s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard — with gardens.
Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V. Radio, and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors , to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.

The “criminals” would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room , and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.

Justice for all.
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[Virtual Repairman]

Thinking about leaving Facebook?


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[Virtual Repairman]

Bunny Opener-

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