The Virtual Repairman's Appliance Help

[Virtual Repairman]

A Fix for the IPhone's Antenna Problem:


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I think I stayed in the tanning booth too long...


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How to Make a BLT:


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[Virtual Repairman]

You can never have enough silicone caulk...


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[Virtual Repairman]

How Hot is it?

* the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

* the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

* farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

* the cows are giving evaporated milk.

* the trees are whistling for the dogs.

* you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

* you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

* you can make instant sun tea.

* you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

* the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

* you’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

* you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.

* you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.

* you discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

* you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

* you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

* hot water now comes out of both taps.

* it’s noon in August, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

* you actually burn your hand opening the car door.

* you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

* no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

* your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

* you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
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[Virtual Repairman]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

14. A backward poet writes inverse.

15. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

16. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine .

17. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

18. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

20. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

21. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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[Virtual Repairman]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'


WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin after yo white butt!!!
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